This is so hard. ...: Cancer Research UK Forum

22 Replies Last post: 25-Nov-2009 20:50 by Limboroller 1 2 Previous Next

This is so hard.

31-Oct-2009 23:48

abby 5 posts since
31-Oct-2009

Hi,

I don't know what to do - it's nearly midnight and I can't sleep.

My husband has advanced stomach cancer. Last week he was admitted to hospital and to be honest after 24hr caring I was a little relieved. He's reacted badly to his last Chemo and ended up vomiting alot, which resulted in him becoming severley dehydrated. He's been vomiting blood and I'm just feeling so sad and lonely.

My hubby's on morphine, can't move, has lost so much weight and it's so hard to see him like this - only a couple of weeks ago he was still going to work!

Our children have been doing so well until tonight, when the youngest (8) wept and asked if dad was going to be here at Christmas. What can you say? I teach, but with your own children it's so difficult.

The kids are in bed, there's no-one here and I feel so alone - anyone there?

cks1988 14 posts since
31-Oct-2009

1. 01-Nov-2009 00:06

in response to: abby

Re: This is so hard.

Hi Abby,

It is too sad to hear about this. I hope you can overcome all of these in a short period. In my opinion, now is the critical period for you and your husband. Your support and optimistic may help your husband too! Best luck to you!

Regards,

Kok Siong

Cytogenetics and Cancer Research

abby 5 posts since
31-Oct-2009

2. 01-Nov-2009 00:17

in response to: cks1988

Re: This is so hard.

Thank you Kok,

I wish we could all have our wishes and keep the people we love by our sides. I am trying to stay optimistic and positive, but it is very difficult. thank you :-)

daddysgirl 11 posts since
30-Oct-2009

3. 01-Nov-2009 16:59

in response to: abby

Re: This is so hard.

Hi Abby

I am so sorry to hear your sad news...cancer is such a monster... I very recently lost my dad to cancer and I can't believe that in September we had no idea what was to come. I found forum's and sites like this really useful to talk to other people that were going through similar things, I hope you find it a comfort.

What have the doctors said about your husbands prognosis? I don't really know what you can and can't tell an 8 year old but if it was me I think I would want the truth - so they could cherish the time they spend with him.

Please feel free to message me and ask any questions. My dad had lung and liver cancer so it was quite different but anything you want to ask I will do my best to answer or share my experiences.

And you will definitely get sick of people telling you to be strong....I find it makes it worse....let it out I say!!

x :0)

Kathy 330 posts since
25-Oct-2009

4. 01-Nov-2009 20:17

in response to: abby

Re: This is so hard.

There are lots of people who are or have been in the situation of caring for a loved one with cancer, and I agree it is a very lonely time. This us a time where I would do anything not to have you feeling so lonely, and I can't tell you how many people are having the same experience. You just need to know that I sympathise with you.

abby 5 posts since
31-Oct-2009

5. 01-Nov-2009 20:58

in response to: Kathy

Re: This is so hard.

Thank you to you both,

I find it much easier during the day when the kids and my family are around, but the evenings are just so lonely.

My sons are doing ok ish - one had a massive tantrum today and all I can do is help him through it. The other's gone a bit quiet. I'm involving the school and the hospice cousellors fully-I really want them to move through this as a learning experience and as a way of learning how to cherish the good things in life (and good memories). It's just so painful too.

Feel like I want to crawl away and hide from it all, but I know that doesn't work. I'm open to 'talking' like this here and I find comfort in knowing that I'm not alone. Thank you x

daddysgirl 11 posts since
30-Oct-2009

6. 02-Nov-2009 19:21

in response to: abby

Re: This is so hard.

Hi Abby

How was your day and how are you doing?

I understand exactly what you mean about hiding from the world. I would love to hibernate but it won't do me any good in the long term. ..I do a good job of encouraging my mum to go out and not shut herself indoors but she then reminds me I have to go out too! Although I think it is important to be on your own at times, (I think that is the only time we grieve - not just for loss but changes in life too) - but I also find it a bit overwhelming when you get lots of visitors at once. Perhaps one or two of your family could come visit you in the evening when your boys are in bed? It might help to break the night up a bit. It is a long night if you are sat on your own, and no doubt an exhausting day with everything that is going on at the moment. Is that feasible? Are you close to your mum/sister/friend?

Sounds like your boys have a great mum who is doing her best and hopefully you will all be a source of comfort to each other.

It is so hard to watch the one you love deteriorate. In my case it was hard to watch my dad go downhill so quick, he had always been the head of the family and such a 'strong' man. And trying to get your head around it and make sense of any of it, I find really hard. But friends and family (and forums like these!) can be a huge source of comfort and help. And sometimes its the friends that you least expect to be the one you lean that turn about to be fantastic support. x

sue0803 5 posts since
02-Nov-2009

7. 02-Nov-2009 21:06

in response to: daddysgirl

Re: This is so hard.

Hi Abby,

How are you and the children?

I am relatively new on here, my husband was diagnosed with Advanced Cancer around his body on 22nd July 2009. He had it on his liver, lungs and stomach. He had only been poorly for a couple of weeks before that, so it came as a great shock to us. Unfortunately, Martyn was 42 and passed away on 4th September, just 6 weeks after his diagnosis. We have 2 children, boys, aged 7 and 10.

I think you have to be honest with your children. I told mine everything from the start and I am so glad that I did. I didn't want my children to grow up thinking I had hidden anything from them. I have been 100% honest with them throughout everything and involved them in all my decisions. I could not have lived with myself if I had told my children that daddy was going to get better when I knew that he wasn't. The cancer care centre at the hospital gave me a really good book for the kids, it was called The Secret C and I went through this book with both my children. The youngest then read it a few more times on his own. Also, whenever they asked me if daddy was going to get better, I told them that the nurses were trying to make daddy "feel" better. But in the last few days I had to tell them that he may only have a few weeks left to live - he died 2 days after I had told them that.

Sorry to be so down, but it is only 2 months on and I like you feel like hibernating and hopefully it would all be gone when I wake up again. But I can't do that cos I have my kids to think about.

You will find the strength from somewhere to do what you have to do - I know that you will. If you ever want to talk, please contact me whenever you want.

God bless you all.

sue

xxxxxxxx

rosa 5 posts since
15-Oct-2009

8. 02-Nov-2009 23:54

in response to: abby

Re: This is so hard.

hi abby

my neice is 8 as your youngest is. she has terminal cancer but does not know.

i think that at that age they are mature enough tp handle some of the truth but obviously not all. i think you sound as if you are being very strong and uderstand that you are having to play several roles at once.

your optimism will help your children. try and be as open as possible, making sure you prepare for the worse but telling them that there is hope. because there is always hope.

i understand this is a very difficult time and i hope that the knowledge that there are people thinking and caring about you will help you with your ordeal.

strength comes from within, and you have it there. you will have your bad days but gather your friends, family and children to you. let them all know that you love them and you will feel that come back to you.

my best wishes and love to you and your family

abby 5 posts since
31-Oct-2009

9. 04-Nov-2009 08:31

in response to: rosa

Re: This is so hard.

Thank you to you you all,

its been incredibly hard and I've been in hosp with my hubby for the couple of days. Unfortunately (though ity is fortunate that he is not suffering anymore), he passed away at 9am yesterday. I thought it only happened in films, but he looked into my eyes, and told me he loved me - a gift that I will keep forever.

I'm ok, hate the fact that minutes later the staff at the hospital were asking about coffins, funeral directors and the like, but that's what it's like when you are in the job I suppose.

I'll keep in touch here as I find this forum is an understanding place to be without making the effort to get the face paint on and dress for the occasion!

Thank you for your support,

Abby x

Lynnie 9 posts since
01-Oct-2009

10. 04-Nov-2009 10:03

in response to: abby

Re: This is so hard.

Abby, so very sorry to hear of your sad loss, hope you and your children will find the strength to get you through this very sad time. xxx

daddysgirl 11 posts since
30-Oct-2009

11. 04-Nov-2009 10:26

in response to: abby

Re: This is so hard.

oh Abby, I am so sorry to hear that...my thoughts are with you and your family. Dawn x x

rosa 5 posts since
15-Oct-2009

12. 04-Nov-2009 10:36

in response to: abby

Re: This is so hard.

so sorry to hear your news.

i'm glad that you had a moment before the end.

all the best to youand your family. our thoughts are with you

xxx

LuvU4Ever 3 posts since
04-Nov-2009

13. 04-Nov-2009 16:40

in response to: rosa

Re: This is so hard.

Dear Abbey-my heart goes out to you,as I know only too well what you must be going through. I lost my beloved husband , whom I had known since I was 19 years old, and married for 21 beautiful years,to Non Hodgkins Lymphoma on the 10th of August. I too spent every precious minute wih him at his bed side since he was admitted to hospital at the beginning of March 09. He too suffered a lot and never ever complained, but went through each session of chemo and everything else that goes with it, hoping that he will be cured of this terrible illness. Our faith was strong. Our kids were wonderful with their Dad and the love that surrounded him was great. We kept hoping against hope that he will pull through but sadly it wasn't to be and in the early hours of the 10th of August he hugged our children and me and said he loved us-even though he could not talk or breathe or eat or drinhk for the last 48 hours!! The reality of losing him is just beginning to sink in -after almost 3 months, as at the early stages of his death, we seemed to just go through the motions of each day-dealin with the funeral arrangements,vistors etc.

Be strong Abbey-you will get the courage to deal with life, but it is going to be very hard for you and the kids. Cry when you need to and most of all talk about your husband to anyone who will listen-as I find it comforting to remember the good times and also the sad times. God bless you and the kids.and give you the peace and strenght that you will need at this difficult time.xx

sue0803 5 posts since
02-Nov-2009

14. 04-Nov-2009 20:51

in response to: LuvU4Ever

Re: This is so hard.

Abby - i was so sorry to hear your dreadful news. I know exactly how you are feeling, my husband died 2 months ago tonight. I still feel like I am in limbo. There is so much to do in the first few weeks, you go onto auto pilot I think - just dealing with everything. Just take each hour as it comes and gradually you will take each day as it comes. I still find it hard to believe my husband has gone and can't imagine never seeing him again. Somehow, you get through and doing day by day is the only way. Your children will be an enormous help to you, as mine have been. They are little stars and they are amazing. You know where I am if you need to talk.

Love and hugs to you and your family

Sue

xxxxxxxxx

Go to original post 1 2 Previous Next

Go to original post

This is so hard.

31-Oct-2009 23:48

Actions

Find out more

Topics

Useful links

Cancer Chat reminder