My dad passed away at 5am on Boxng Day. He had prostrate cancer but he died of a chest infection.(He also had COPD, heart disease, kidney disease and arthritis.) He was always so worried of being a nuisance or a burden and refused to have the Doctor unless he was really unwell. He let me call the Doctor Tuesday last and the Doctor prescribed antibiotics and all seemed ok. Christmas eve he was really breathless just like last year when he had pneumonia. I so wish I had stopped for a moment to notice it all going wrong but it was Christmas eve and such a busy day that although I was worried I just didn't stop to think about it all. Christmas morning i heard him calling for help as he could'nt breathe and I rushed upstairs to find him in a bad way. I by-passed the doctor and went straight for the ambulance because i know how fast he can go down hill. The paramedics were happy with his progress after a bit of treatment and but took him off to the hospital. They even advised us to open our presents before we followed as my grand daughter is only 18months. He lived with me , daughter and grand daughter. I guess I felt it was a re-run of last year when just before Christmas he got rushed in and diagnosed with pneumonia but recovered well and was home in less than a week. I knew from last year and other hospital stays that we would have to wait for him to be assessed once he reached the hospital so opened a couple of present s with the baby and we gave it just over half an hour before we followed on.
Once at the hospital it turned out that things were worse than last year as he became unconcious on the way in. However he rallied round and by the evening everyone was happy with his progress. I stayed for awhile and then took my daughter home then turned straight round and went back for another couple of hours. I left about 5pm as he kept dozing but then waking up to check on me so I decided to go and let him just simply relax.
The hospital called at almost 2am to say he wasn't expected to last through the night. My brother and i went in straightaway annd my Dad passed away peacefully at 5am.
Now I am just so wracked with guilt that i was too busy to notice his distress. He even insisted that I take him to town on Christmas eve to buy me a secret present for Christmas. Why did i not just stop and think. Refuse to take him and notice how ill he was and call the damn doctor. If i had he would be here now.
He lived with me for 15 years after my Mum died and recently I have been a bit snappy with him because he had become a bit deaf and a bit more demanding and i was tired working full time and looking after the house etc. I'm a bit stubborn and i was house proud when my daughter was little and refuse most help so I have made my daughter a bit lazy in that she doesn't do much arounf the houseI. feel that i let him down and just wish i could rewind on the week and be nicer to him, listen to him and do what i should have done on Thursday which was to notice how unwell he was.
I miss him and my world has just collapsed. Now suddenly I seem to have loads of free time and have been sat in the lounge for hours where before he spent a lot of time alone in there. Why do I have the time now and not before?
The guilt is just eating me up and I keep bursting into tears. I keep trying to be rational and think that he was an adult who could have asked for the doctor sooner but i still come back to the idea that i should have noticed and made the decision for him.
I also feel guilty because I i keep thinking of the money too as he helped financially. I felt really bad too when it just popped into my head that my daughter won't have to move out now as we will have enough room and that we could go abroad on holiday next year. Where do these horrible thought scome from as I would give everything up just to have him home.
Love you Dad. xx
