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I lost my Mum 6 weeks ago to bowel cancer. It has been the most painful feeling i have ever experienced and i am really struggling to deal with her not being around. Things have happened since her death that i would love be able to talk to her about, she would tell me to get a hold of myself and be strong. Its so very hard. I guess i thought she would be around till much later this year. In April last year she was diagnosed with Bowel cancer and had surgery to remove the tumour. As a family we knew that chemotherapy was inevitable. Having experienced my Mum having cancer twice before-breast and cervical- and being given the all clear i thought that it was just another life hurdle we would all come through together. As last year progressed so did the cancer. It became secondary cancer of the liver and remained in the lymph glands in her abdomen. When the first cycle of chemo failed she opted to take part in a chemo drug trial. By this time we knew that the cancer was terminal but didn't have a definitive timescale. My Mum was much the optimist and by far the strongest and bravest person i have ever known. She remained that way until her last breath. I got a call from my dad late in January saying that Mum had just days to live rather than the months we had hoped for My dad, Brother and I were fortunate enough to spend her final 5 days and nights by her bedside in a wonderful hospice. We were all holding her hand right to the moment she peacefully left us. It was a dignified way for us all to spend our final hours together and although it was the most emotional and painful few days we have ever had, it was our time and very precious. The funeral was a beautiful tribute and was all we had hoped it to be. In these weeks that followed i have been all over the place, ive cried more than i thought possible, ive felt so low ive hidden in my bed for days. I struggled to return to work because i don't like people to see my emotions. Its just too hard to hide. She was 56 and my truest and most honest friend. The week following my mum's funeral my partner left me also. Over the past months we have both had numerous stressful and sad things happen. He also has a very close relative with imminently terminal cancer. He had been my rock and so strong for me for months, we were so close to each other. Even more so when i have been so hard to be around and ive been emotional, angry, frustrated and have cried so much. I felt truly blessed to have him by my side and I know it must have been difficult but i really thought we were so strong together. Things changed when my Mum died. It was like he gave up trying to get through everything. It was the last thing i was expecting and feel as though ive pushed him away from me when i needed him most and he needed me. Ive been reading some of these discussions on and off for the last few weeks and have found it to be comforting to know that others feel and understand all the emotions me and my family have been experiencing. I really want to be so positive about everything and I know if Mum is watching me fall apart like this she would feel both sad and mad at me. I just feel so lost and it is a comfort to me that others are too having to find strength just to face each day as it comes however hard that may be.