Mother in law came back from holiday ...: Cancer Research UK Forum

17 Replies Last post: 31-Jan-2010 08:58 by Beverley7 1 2 Previous Next

Mother in law came back from holiday and told she had 4 - 6 weeks tops to live she had no symptoms didn't even know she was ill

13-Jan-2010 20:05

Beverley7 19 posts since
13-Jan-2010

Hi,

I have just discovered this site. My mother-in-law returned from holiday just before Christmas only to be told she had had a stroke after falling in the bath and her leg not being 'right'. She had a scan 2 weeks ago and was told she had metastatic brain cancer, at least 6 tumours on her brain that were rapid growing and have affected her leg etc she has 4 - 6 weeks at the most maybe only days - what a shock! I cannot believe this. She is being sent home from hospital on Monday to spend a few 'weeks' when she deteriorates she will spend her last hours in the hospice.

I live with my husband and 3 boys in the South, my parents - in - law live in the North. We spent a week there with my father in law and sister in law last week after finding out the news. My sister in law lives at home still and is 36, neither she nor my husband can deal with doctors so I have been going to all the discussions with my father in law and was there when they told my MIL she was terminal. I have never had to deal with anything like this before and never want to again.

I am afraid of the next few months, I have said I would go and stay with them to help care for her which I will, my husband will stay here for a while so the kids can go to school.

The thing is, I have never really seen eye to eye with my MIL, but now it's me that is holding her hand and telling her I love her too, I am devastated but trying to hold things together for the rest of the family that find this understanderbly extremely difficult. She keeps asking me to look after her son and the kids of which I reply of course I will. She is 64 and I just want to help her face this tragic circumstance as best as is possible, but being 250 miles away is difficult. I call her every day sometimes twice a day. What else can I do....?

wakemeuppls 31 posts since
10-Jan-2010

1. 17-Jan-2010 18:12

in response to: Beverley7

Re: Mother in law came back from holiday and told she had 4 - 6 weeks tops to live she had no symptoms didn't even know she was ill

Hi Beverly7

This sounds very similar to what we are going through. We also live in the North - My mum is 63, had no symptoms until 23rd Dec, saw her GP on 29th, scan on 30th to rule out a stroke and diagnosed with brain mets (at least 5, one of which is an inch in diameter) /primary lung mass. The only difference is that we have been offered some chemo and radiotherapy, although we have been told that this will buy us some time but only likely to be months (we were told that without treatment this would only be weeks). Did they explain why they couldn't try any treatment?

I completely understand what you and your family are going through - it's dreadful and I wouldnt wish it on anyone. Its all consuming; I think of and talk about nothing else. How is your MIL bearing up? How are you coping? It must be really difficult for you being so far away and having a family and children yourself; it really sounds like you are doing as much as you possibly can - you are supporting her emotionally and it sounds like you will also be doing this physically at some point. I imagine that you will be supporting your husband a lot emotionally as well, there really isnt anything else you can do. All I can say is that I really do empathise with how you are feeling - I also feel completely helpless.

Stay strong, but make sure you take a little time for yourself when you can so that you have enough physical and mental energy to get through this desperately difficult time.

Thinking of you all x

Beverley7 19 posts since
13-Jan-2010

2. 17-Jan-2010 21:51

in response to: wakemeuppls

Re: Mother in law came back from holiday and told she had 4 - 6 weeks tops to live she had no symptoms didn't even know she was ill

Hi there,

Thankyou very much for your kind words. Yes, it is awful and totally out of the blue.

I was under the impression that you couldn't treat metastatic brain cancer with chemotherapy? They offered radiotherapy but said that it might reduce the swelling of the tumours, would make her feel and be very sick and also lose her hair, after considering this myself and my father-in-law decided it best not to go down this path but to take the course of steroids which seem to have really perked her up! Although whether it is worth bringing someone back to normality only to tell them they are dying.....I'm not sure.

The consultant that we saw just over a week ago said that she would have 4 - 6 weeks at most maybe only days, as you know this is a big shck and I have been reading as much as I can on the 'subject'. My MIL is actually going home tomorrow, they have put a hospital bed in the dining room, a hoist, commode etc all the things you would think you may need later on in life. She is also on steroids and painkillers now, very constipated also so getting pain from that.

We are thinking of going back up north thsi weekend but there is more snow due on Wednesday and my Father in law said he would prefer us to hang on for a while until they really need us, I am not sure what to do. My boys will have to take time off school, my husband more time off work. I may even stay up there for a few exttra days I don'tknow yet.

They live in Lancashire, we live in Hampshire so it is a very long drive.

What is your mum going to do treatment wise? How is she coping with it? Will she be going home soon or staying in hospital?

It would be nice to hear from you again just to talk to someone who is in the same position.

Take Care & you also stay strong

Beverley x

wakemeuppls 31 posts since
10-Jan-2010

3. 18-Jan-2010 06:39

in response to: Beverley7

Re: Mother in law came back from holiday and told she had 4 - 6 weeks tops to live she had no symptoms didn't even know she was ill

Hi again

I agree - would be good to keep in touch. I am going back to work today - have had a week off sick (first time off in 3 yrs!) as I have been so emotional I couldnt face it. Mum is starting chemo today so I wont be back from work until late but will email you this evening when my kids are in bed.

I imagine like me, you are focussing one 1 day at a time; I hope today is a good one.

Speak later x

Beverley7 19 posts since
13-Jan-2010

4. 18-Jan-2010 09:36

in response to: wakemeuppls

Re: Mother in law came back from holiday and told she had 4 - 6 weeks tops to live she had no symptoms didn't even know she was ill

Hi Sara,

I hope work went ok today? It is difficult especially when people come and offer their sympathies to you. I hope you managed to stay strong.

Speak soon

Beverley

wakemeuppls 31 posts since
10-Jan-2010

5. 18-Jan-2010 22:25

in response to: Beverley7

Re: Mother in law came back from holiday and told she had 4 - 6 weeks tops to live she had no symptoms didn't even know she was ill

Hi Beverly

For the first time in 3 weeks I have had a good day. For the first day in 3 weeks I havent cried.Not sure why, but I didnt , maybe because today we have started some treatment. Mum had her first chemo this afternoon. In sme senses I fet it was 'the beginning of the end' but in another way I felt we have at least started to do whatever we can to keep Mum with us. I am really lucky at work; to be honest, there are times that I have probably put work before my family and kids and at times I have felt guilty for this. I remain guilty at times, but over the past few weeks it has become evident that the work I have put in has been acknowledged. I am a nurse by background, now a senior manager, which is pretty good for my age (I got my first senior management post at 33) and have always worked hard. My team and my peers and my boss have all been absolutely fantastic. My boss has told me that if I need to be off sick, just to do it (she wont involve HR or occ'y health) even if this is a regular occurance over the next few months/year or if I need the odd half day or full day to attend appointments or if Mum is feeling poorly, just to take them off. I enjoyed today as I had a bit of normality (only a bit mind!) nd in a selfish kind of way work took my mind off our current situation.

How was your day? How is your husband coping? My husband lost his mum in 2004 when she was only 54 to Mesothelioma (a type of lung cancer) so he is almost going through the same thing again, the poor thing. He has been fatastic though, even during the days where I have been angry and have taken it out on him.

I have been talking to my Mum and sister and work mate about you and your situation today. I really feel for you all. How are you all bearing up? Is your MIL well enough to fully understand what is happening? How have you explained what is happening to your kids? Have you decided if you are going to come up to stay with your MIL

Sorry I am rambling a bit....have just drank half a bottle of wine. I hope your day has gone ok......let me know...

Spk soon S x

Beverley7 19 posts since
13-Jan-2010

6. 18-Jan-2010 22:39

in response to: wakemeuppls

Re: Mother in law came back from holiday and told she had 4 - 6 weeks tops to live she had no symptoms didn't even know she was ill

Sara hi,

Funny......when i worked - it was in Occupational Health, I was a technician. I have also just had half of bottle of wine (ish!) Pinot Grigio to be exact.

You sound more positive, which is admirable. You are dealing with a bad situation in the best way you can.

I spoke to my MiL earlier and she sounds so chirpy! I asked her how she was coping and she said ' I will beat this thing' but I am not sure if she understands fully or has even remembered, I am not sure of the memory factor when having this condition. I am compiling some songs on a CD for her which include Barry Manilow songs (don't laugh) I grew up with. She doesn't seem interested in TV so I thought a least a little music would be ok - I cannot live without music!

I would like you to join facebook if you are on there but not sure how to without displaying on here my details?

These next few weeks/months are going to be tough for all of us, so I appreciate your support and friendship.

Take Care and contact soon

Beverley xx

wakemeuppls 31 posts since
10-Jan-2010

7. 19-Jan-2010 21:36

in response to: Beverley7

Re: Mother in law came back from holiday and told she had 4 - 6 weeks tops to live she had no symptoms didn't even know she was ill

D'ya know what......I flipping LOVE Barry Manilow!!!!!

My sis is on facebook - She is called Kate Hall - there is a picture of a baby with a brown tank top on (Manchester network). If you send her a message on facebook she will give you my email address.....let me know if you have a problem!

My Mum is feeling really good and really positive today. I am so pleased but at the same time I am worried that she (and we) may have to go through the trauma of bad news for a second time......but not my decision to make I suppose. If she wants to not think about it, thats totally her decision and her right.

How come you decided not to have treatment? I wonder if the brain mets are in different places to my mums and causing worse problems?

Do you still work? If so, how isit going? How are the kids and your hubbie?

I agree, I am finding it helpful sharing our experiences even though they are hideous. That soundscrazy doesnt it??!!

Take care - speak soon x x

Beverley7 19 posts since
13-Jan-2010

8. 19-Jan-2010 22:13

in response to: wakemeuppls

Re: Mother in law came back from holiday and told she had 4 - 6 weeks tops to live she had no symptoms didn't even know she was ill

Hi again,

Sorry but I have tried many times to look for Kate Hall with a baby in brown tank top but to no avail! Has she changed her picture at all? Maybe get her to add me and I can send her my email address? My name is Beverley J Taylor and my picture is a photograph of a lake I took at the weekend.

The reason for not going ahead with radiotherapy is that it would make my MiL very ill, ie vomiting, losing her hair and basically feeling very bad for what may only be an extra few weeks - we decided she would be more comfortable as she is (her hair is her pride and joy). She is bed bound as she had a stroke caused by the tumours and is partially paralysed down one side, she is in bed and cannot stand nor walk now (after only a couple of weeks) that is what makes it worse.

I do not work at the moment as I had my last operation in October and have had many more previous to that, although I may go back to work this year as I am more able now than I have been for 3 years so we will see.

I'm very pleased that your mum is positive, I think that is half the battle in a way. It helps her and it also helps her family to deal with the situation. When are you seeing the doctor next? What news are you waiting for? Test results? I will keep my fingers crossed for you all.

See if you can get onto my facebook and I will keep checking.

Love and strength to you all

Beverley x

wakemeuppls 31 posts since
10-Jan-2010

9. 19-Jan-2010 23:18

in response to: Beverley7

Re: Mother in law came back from holiday and told she had 4 - 6 weeks tops to live she had no symptoms didn't even know she was ill

Hi Bev

Have spoken to my Sis and she will try and find you tomorrow. Have just had a little cry; spoke to a friend of mine whose mum also died from lung cancer and brain mets.....she was lovely, really helpful but so sad.

Hope you sleep well................big hugs................speak soon x x x x

Beverley7 19 posts since
13-Jan-2010

10. 20-Jan-2010 09:27

in response to: wakemeuppls

Re: Mother in law came back from holiday and told she had 4 - 6 weeks tops to live she had no symptoms didn't even know she was ill

I had a good cry yesterday also, for lots of reasons - I think everything just became too much but am ok now and moving along! No, I didn't sleep very well, I haven't done for few weeks now. How about you?

My friend also lost her dad last year to brain metastatic, primary was lungs then it just went everywhere. A few years ago I never knew anyone with cancer, my other friend lost her 25 year old son last year too, 6 weeks from being diagnosed to dying - just tragic. Is it me or does it seem more common at the minute?

I will keep an eye on facebook throughout the day for your sister and will hopefully email or catch you on here this evening.

Hugs

Beverley x

Beverley7 19 posts since
13-Jan-2010

11. 26-Jan-2010 20:46

in response to: Beverley7

Re: Mother in law came back from holiday and told she had 4 - 6 weeks tops to live she had no symptoms didn't even know she was ill

Well......my MiL is full of beans so to speak and I cannot understand what is happening. They started her on steroids at the hospital before she was sent home, this was to release some of the pressure of the brain mets. They worked pretty quickly but she cannot move or anything and is just sat up in bed all day long during sleeps. What I don't understand is the doctors gave her 4 - 6 weeks at most and that was 3 weeks ago, she seems better now than she ever was before? They have started to reduce the steroids this morning but we don't know what to expect - will she deteriorate quickly? Will she be the same? She has 6 mets, quite large and rapid growing. When I speak to her on the phone every day (we live in the south, she lives in the north) she keeps saying 'I am going to beat this, physio will get me up again'. I don't know whether she is in denial or has just forgotten. She seems so wellI cannot believe we will lose her in a few weeks? I keep thinking they may have made a mistake or something, but I know things aren't good. I just want to know what to expect - can anyone shed some light on what will happen?

Thankyou

wakemeuppls 31 posts since
10-Jan-2010

12. 27-Jan-2010 22:08

in response to: Beverley7

Re: Mother in law came back from holiday and told she had 4 - 6 weeks tops to live she had no symptoms didn't even know she was ill

Hi Beverly

I am sorry for not having replied for a while; I have been really struggling. If I am honest, part of me wanted to come on line and chat, part of me is worried about hearing from you as your MIL sounds more advanced than my mum and I am scared of hearing how she is as its likely to be us soon, and part of me feels whilst I want to help and support you emotionally as I understand and empathise with everything you re feeling, I am not sure I have the emotional energy to do so. I really am sorry if that sounds selfish. I actually think you will completely understand but I am still sorry. I dont just feel sad his week, I also feel very guilty - about everything.

How is your MIL today? How are you? I am a bit cross with myself. We got mums diagnosis on 30th Dec but I still cry (a lot) every day at least 2 or 3 times and I am cross that I cant seem to pull myself together. Even Mum hasjoked that I am gettin boring!! My Mum is nothing short of amazing...positive, pragmatic, insightful and thoughtful. To recognse these things is her is fabulous......only it makes me even more sad to know I may not have her much longer. Her first round of chemo was fine. My sis and I stayed with her (cant remember if I told you this - sorry if i am repeating myself) for the IV chemo and she then had 2 days of tablets. No nausea, no vomiting, no diarrhoea, just a little tired. Brilliant - God I hope they are all like this. We had a family outing to the Wig shop this weekend. I pointed out one very much like Mums hair - she tried it on first and her face lit up; she still recognised herself. She looked blooming great. She has bouht it and is going to have a play with it before her hair comes out - wasnt keen on the scarves though.

She has just had a bone scan to see if/where she has more mets - we have the appointment with the cons this Tues to let us know. I actually think it will have spread (we were told at 1 hospital initially that it had, then we were told they were not sure - to be honest it wont make much difference - it would just be insult to injury for me) and although I expect this to be the news, I know I will still be upset for this to be confirmed. We have further blood tsts on 2nd Feb and (all being well), chemo #2 on 9th. My mum is a wealthy lady (she has discussed some of this with me and my sis) but d'ya know what........I would give it all back in a heartbeat (and pay interest) if we could be promised some more time.

I am going to see a clinical psychologist that has been offered to us via mums oncology team. Mum doesnt feel she needs it but I do; I cant seem to think about anything else, all day every day.

Bev I have wittered on about me again. I really hope you and your family are doing ok. I completely understand what you are going through and send lots of love and support. Stay strong, we will both get through this. Take care x x

Beverley7 19 posts since
13-Jan-2010

13. 27-Jan-2010 22:33

in response to: wakemeuppls

Re: Mother in law came back from holiday and told she had 4 - 6 weeks tops to live she had no symptoms didn't even know she was ill

Oh Sara,

I am so sorry you are feeling so, so very overwhelmed with all this. I do wish I could at least give you a hug, please believe me that you will feel stronger very very soon, I promise. Your poor mum needs you to be strong and so do I, so come on hun, I know you are!

My MiL is ok at present, we are going up there next Fri til Sunday to help look after her and give FiL a rest, (he is going to football with is friend and for dinner)

Apparantly my FiL was told yesterday by the doc that if these mets bleed it will be immediate, she won't know anything about it BUT it will also be soo shocking for everyone concerned. i don't know really what to expect, she seems so bubblty at the minute. I keep thinking to myself that maybe...just maybe they have made a mistake..? I know it isn't possible but I guess that is normal to think that way. Anyway, you must contact me if you need to talk hun, it will at least be 'a problem shared a problem halved - so to speak' .

Sara, your mum needs you at the minute, you sound like an extremely strong person to me and although I know what an awful time this is, you are needed by many people so come on babe, stay strong....we can get through this together.

Beverley xx

wakemeuppls 31 posts since
10-Jan-2010

14. 28-Jan-2010 19:48

in response to: Beverley7

Re: Mother in law came back from holiday and told she had 4 - 6 weeks tops to live she had no symptoms didn't even know she was ill

Hi Beverly

Thanks for your kind and supportive words; I feel a bit better today but I do still feel really down. I am getting loads of support from my friends, work colleagues and especially my husband. He husband deserves a medal for all he is doing for me, especially as I have been venting my anger at him recently. He truly is wonderful. Patients and rels of those diagnosed with cancer have access to a clinical psychologist at our hospital and I have asked for a referral as I think that might also help Mum is doing really well. We are starting to reduce her steroids very slowly - if it wasnt for the loss of fine motor skills in her right hand and 'discomfort' in her back she would be great! she is so positive its amazing....just me thats a miserable git!

Going to sign off for tonight as I am really tired and I think I will have an early night; I am thinking of you and your family often though and pray that you (WE) can stay strong. Lets make every second count..........

Take care - speak soon x

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Mother in law came back from holiday and told she had 4 - 6 weeks tops to live she had no symptoms didn't even know she was ill

13-Jan-2010 20:05

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