Hi my partner has bowel cancer we met ...: Cancer Research UK Forum

28 Replies Last post: 13-Mar-2010 21:51 by Kathy 1 2 Previous Next

Hi my partner has bowel cancer we met in August he had the diagnosis in November we live 500 miles apart.

27-Jan-2010 09:41

katybelle 22 posts since
27-Jan-2010

Hi i need some help on how to deal with this we are very much in love and i was moving up to live with him in july but now he is very negative and keeps pushing me away. Also he has told no one he has cancer except me and is continuing work he has a high pressure job. Any help would be great.

Kathy 315 posts since
25-Oct-2009

1. 27-Jan-2010 21:32

in response to: katybelle

Re: Hi my partner has bowel cancer we met in August he had the diagnosis in November we live 500 miles apart.

Dear Katybelle,

I'm sorry to hear about your partner's condition, and read your post with interest, wondering what I would do if I was in your place.

Well, I think you're aware that your partner may be pushing you away because he wants to spare you what may be the horrors of his illness. However, what he may not realise is that your imagination of what he may be experiencing is as bad as his illness may actually be.

Love is everything; his protection of you and your need to be with him. Speak of this with him, and speak the truth. This illness should not be borne alone, and because you love him, his illness is as much yours. You should therefore both be together.

I wish you both the best for the future, and hope to hear from you soon.

Best wishes.

Kathy

katybelle 22 posts since
27-Jan-2010

2. 28-Jan-2010 15:41

in response to: Kathy

Re: Hi my partner has bowel cancer we met in August he had the diagnosis in November we live 500 miles apart.

Dear Kathy,

Thank you so much for replying i did`nt think anyone was going to. Its my first time on the site and i probably did`nt explain myself very well. Last weekend he tried to end the relationship hopefully we are back on track now i have tried to get him to understand that i am not going anywhere. I do understand that he is pushing me away because he has been doing that since he found out, and it has been so long since we saw each other he is worried about me moving up to scotland and leaving all my friends behind and starting again up there.

It will be another month till we see each other that will have been 4 months apart we talk every day and txt but it is very hard as he refuses to talk about his illness i am hoping that when we see each other again he will open up

I read a lot of the other postings on here and it put things in perspective for me.

I think i have`nt been as positive as i could have been and i had a good chat with Macmillan nurses on the phone which made me feel more in control and i then had a few ideas on keeping his spirits up.

Thank you so much for talking to me it is a real help.

All the best

Kate

Kathy 315 posts since
25-Oct-2009

3. 28-Jan-2010 21:40

in response to: katybelle

Re: Hi my partner has bowel cancer we met in August he had the diagnosis in November we live 500 miles apart.

Dear Katybelle,

Yes. I think you are a strong person, positive and reliable.

You did explain the situation well, particularly in your last post, and I just know that your boyfriend and yourself are going to be together.

Just remember illness is incidental (It could happen to anyone) but love is everything and absolutely useless without someone to share it with.

Best wishes.

Kathy

katybelle 22 posts since
27-Jan-2010

4. 29-Jan-2010 09:15

in response to: Kathy

Re: Hi my partner has bowel cancer we met in August he had the diagnosis in November we live 500 miles apart.

Dear Kathy,

Thank you for your kind words i loved your last paragraph and have written it down. The next month is going to be hard as i have given notice on my house and will have to move out in July i am very scared he is going to say no to me moving up. I love him so much and just want to be with him. Mentally i am already there and can`t wait to start our life together. But he has really backed off and has said he dos`nt want to ruin my life i can`t get him to see that by not being together i have nothing, so i don`t talk about it and when we chat i keep it light and fun. He seems to be happy with this and we chat a couple of times a day. But he only says he loves me if i say it first now, before he would tell me all the time. Do you think this is the right way to go about things? i am just trying to take things one day at a time.

Thank you again it has been a real help having someone to talk to.

All the best

Kate

Kathy 315 posts since
25-Oct-2009

5. 29-Jan-2010 22:07

in response to: katybelle

Re: Hi my partner has bowel cancer we met in August he had the diagnosis in November we live 500 miles apart.

Dear Kate,

I think from what you say that you have gone about things in the right way. Yes. You're taking a chance, but that's what life's about.

I'll tell you my agenda for my hopes for you. This is that my husband was murdered and Joanna, who had cancer and caused me to write on this site, was my best friend. She supported me through the years; both at the time of the murder and at other times. I was with her on her own journey of cancer and know how important honesty was then. As forthe love thing, I've learned that in all the years since my husband was alive, I have never known anyone that I could truly love in the same way.

So when I see that two people love eachother, I want it to last for them. Don't know why.

Of course, your partner may not be able to handle his illness in anything other than his own way; which may be reserved. However, that does'nt mean he is'nt as much in love with you as he ever was By which, I mean some people stay in the denial stage of their illness. This might mean that to admit his vulnerability to you, is to look at it himself. It can't be easy for your partner, and if the cancer needs to be handled his way, that's okay. And you know why? because you can have so many tomorrows together. Just you wait and see Kate...

Stay strong.

Kathy

katybelle 22 posts since
27-Jan-2010

6. 30-Jan-2010 10:57

in response to: Kathy

Re: Hi my partner has bowel cancer we met in August he had the diagnosis in November we live 500 miles apart.

Dear Kathy,

Wow Kathy you are one amazing lady, after everything you have been through and you are listening to problems on here and really helping people. I have taken your advice and have seen a bit of change i sent him a card with the title The Things i Love About you. . . and inside listed all those things that are personal to each individual, things he probably dos`nt even realise he is doing but make me smile, also put a t-shirt in covered in my perfume and a funny dvd he really liked it and has been more relaxed. Last night he txt me at 3.00am he was having a bad night said he had a lot on his mind and had`nt slept and hoped i was ok, well i don`t sleep much either so replied whats up? he came back with Too much to tell, why are you up? said i was worried about the holiday we are going on that i had to sit with him on the plane for hours after not seeing each other for 4 months i wouldnt be able to keep my hands off him ( i was hoping he would laugh) he did and said dont worry i am bloated and fat now it wont be hard for you. Is that a side effect of his treatment do you think?

I feel so much more in control after finding this site at least he is talking to me some poor people have been cut off completely. And i realise it is his way of handling things so i am going to stay strong for him and like last night when he needs me be there for him and keep telling him that i love him. And i think he is very scared of seeing me again we havent seen each other since his diagnosis. He did say last night he is looking forward to being with me again.

Kathy thank you so much i would love it if you wanted to stay in touch.

Kate xx

Kathy 315 posts since
25-Oct-2009

7. 30-Jan-2010 21:55

in response to: katybelle

Re: Hi my partner has bowel cancer we met in August he had the diagnosis in November we live 500 miles apart.

Dear Kate,

You're quite amazing yourself. I know I have told you nothing you were'nt aware of (maybe you were just looking for someone to confirm your own thoughts).

As for me being able to post on this site, like everything in life, there's something in this for me. I hate the questioning that makes people afraid, and if I can answer them, I'll try. I also don't like to see people hurting, so I benefit me by answering them. This makes me quite selfish. But I'm old enough to know that 'selfish' is not always a bad word.

I'm afraid I can't answer the question about bloatedness, but ask you to speak to your partner's doctor about that when you can. This is because this bloatedness could be for a number of reasons and caused by many things.

As for keeping in touch. That would be brilliant via this site. I look forward to hearing from you Kate, and I have positive thoughts for your partner and yourself.

Best wishes.

Kathy

katybelle 22 posts since
27-Jan-2010

8. 02-Feb-2010 14:08

in response to: Kathy

Re: Hi my partner has bowel cancer we met in August he had the diagnosis in November we live 500 miles apart.

Hello Kathy,

Things are better he told me he loved me again a couple of nights ago the relief was immense. He is also counting days to when we see each other (3 weeks this Friday) . At least now when he has a bad night or a rough day he lets me know and i try to cheer him up.

I hope you are well. And i will keep you updated.

Thank you again

Kate x

Kathy 315 posts since
25-Oct-2009

9. 02-Feb-2010 21:32

in response to: katybelle

Re: Hi my partner has bowel cancer we met in August he had the diagnosis in November we live 500 miles apart.

Dear Kate,

Seems as though your love and persistance have paid off for you both, and you'll be together.

I know you may both meet challenges along the way, but that's just what they are. You'll be stronger meeting them together, I'm sure.

I'll look forward to hearing from you and send you my best wishes.

Kathy

katybelle 22 posts since
27-Jan-2010

10. 11-Feb-2010 21:30

in response to: Kathy

Re: Hi my partner has bowel cancer we met in August he had the diagnosis in November we live 500 miles apart.

Hi Kathy,

I`ve had a rough few days just got very down and low he is fine opposite in fact full of the joys i think its just the constant reassurance he needs from me at the moment and also it was 6 months since we met last tuesday so i sent him a little present and card he really loved it which was good as i did wonder if it would scare him off. Last night i txt him i was poorly and going to bed early so not to ring i felt bad about lying to him but just needed to curl up in a dark room and sleep then was late for work this morning and when i looked at my phone he had left a lot of messages and rung so i rung him back and he was in good form joking asking where all his messages were and why had i not answered my phone and could i not fit him into my busy life we laughed and i said no i would fit him in later as my boss was looking out the window at me. I just feel very tired at the moment i got him a fun valentines card i`m not expecting one back (well secretly i am) and i know silly as it is i will be disappointed if i get nothing i think i just need a boost right now. A card from him would be enough it would be great in fact.

Sorry for going on.

Hope your well

Kate xx

Candice246 4 posts since
11-Feb-2010

11. 12-Feb-2010 00:15

in response to: katybelle

Re: Hi my partner has bowel cancer we met in August he had the diagnosis in November we live 500 miles apart.

Hello Katybelle,

I have read through your posts and i must thank Kathy for all her advise....very reassuring.

I must say i am going through a similar situation. My partner was diagnosed end of last year. We had only met in Oct and he had the diagnosis in December.By then, we hadnt even figured out what we had; re-the relationship. I knew i liked him...then i realised i actually loved him. Just like you, i was the only one he told back then until the week he was going to have surgery, that is when he told his parents. U only live 500miles apart, which is quite far; with us, we live in 2 separate countries, so he is more than 1500miles away (2 hours flight from the UK). I have been visiting him once every month since he had surgery for tongue cancer. I will be going back to visit him next week. They started chemo and radiation this week, on 08/02/'10.

When he told me that he had cancer back then, he then said that he was going to give me a week to think about it, to try and decide whether i still wanted us to be together.I told him i didnt need a week to think about anything, i wasnt going to abandon him when he needed me the most...People with cancer dont need fair weather friends or friends for a season, they need someone to be strong for them, to reassure them how much they care, everyday.

We also get to talk on phone everyday and text regularly. When we speak, he tells me how he is feeling. He also had insisted on getting back to work after he was discharged from hospital, 2 weeks after his surgery. But as of this week, he had to take time off from work coz he was advised to do so by the doctors, he knows what the side effects of the chemo and radiation are, so he will be out of work for about 6 months.

It hurts me that we cant get to be together as i would love to be there for him. He has to drive to the hospital (which is one hour away from his home town) everyday for the chemo and radiation. Only thing is, because of the side effects of the treatment, he may not be able to do this for a long time. When i get to see him next week, i will be going with him to the hospital. I can only only stay there 4 days. What is important is that i remind him of how much i care and love him EVERYDAY-i think that is important. I ask him to be strong for us- i do my best too to stay strong for him. I maybe able to move to stay with him in June or july.

In the beginning, my partner thought we shouldnt be together because he didnt want to be a burden to me. But just like what Kathy said. about illness and love is so true. Just reassure him about how you feel, let him know how much u care and love him. Glad to know that your relationship is back on track. I hope u had a good time on your holiday together. Will be in touch...

Kathy 315 posts since
25-Oct-2009

12. 13-Feb-2010 15:25

in response to: katybelle

Re: Hi my partner has bowel cancer we met in August he had the diagnosis in November we live 500 miles apart.

Dear Kate,

Glad to hear you and your partner are getting on well. I love the part of your post which says he'd left you loads of messages, because he trusts you so and if you asked me to define love, I'd say it's made up of many things and trust is one of them. Sounds like you've moved to another level, and are leaving the part of the relationship where you're wondering if your partner loves you as much as you love them (I'm writing about relationships generally). Your love is so obvious to him and his to you.

As for you feeling tired, I can't say I like that. I see symptoms of depression, but I'd like to be wrong and hopefully I am. If it is, remember Kate, it's just an emotion and will pass. Maybe it's time for you to think of the positives in your life. Believe it or not, you are one of them. I've said it all before about you. Your parner is just as lucky to have met you as you feel you are to have him. You're strong, and I just know that however much things try to pull you down, you'll recover.

I saw one of your posts, giving advice to a person in similar circumstances to yourself. I'm glad you're so giving and strong and I look forward to seeing more from you.

Kathy

katybelle 22 posts since
27-Jan-2010

13. 14-Feb-2010 16:21

in response to: Kathy

Re: Hi my partner has bowel cancer we met in August he had the diagnosis in November we live 500 miles apart.

Hi Kathy,

Thank you so much you always seem to be able to make me cry with your kind words. I never doubted his love until he finished things he changed completly and it really threw me as from the start he was the one always pushing. But have had a lovely day today yesterday got a huge bunch of flowers then this morning we chatted for about an hour on the phone like we used to laughing all time. He also said to me your worried about seeing me again are`nt you? i said yes because its been so long we had a bit of a chat about that then talked about meeting at the airport we were both so excited ridiculous at our age (im 38 his 44). But also he talked about the future between us just little things like when i see his new car or changes he has made to the house that made me smile more than anything because i now know we still have a future.

Your right about the depression i am a very cheery person love to laugh and have fun (aprt from first thing in the morning) but every so often everything that is going on around me catches up with me and for a couple of days i just go quiet and need to be on my own i recognise the signs now and manage it well i find curling up in bed about 8.00pm does the trick then up and ready to go again next day.i have a daughter who has ME she has been poorly since she was 11 will be 17 this April but has improved enormously this last year its like she has been asleep for the last few years and is now waking up my favourite saying of hers is "i`m bored i`ve got nothing to do" she used to lay in bed for weeks at a time doing nothing staring at the wall its so lovely having her back. I hope that explains a bit because i know how lucky i am.

All the best

Kate xx

katybelle 22 posts since
27-Jan-2010

14. 14-Feb-2010 16:37

in response to: Candice246

Re: Hi my partner has bowel cancer we met in August he had the diagnosis in November we live 500 miles apart.

Hi Candice246,

Thank you for your kind words, Kathy is good is`nt she!! whenever i`m having a bad day i know i can ramble on and she comes up with great advice and i get a lot of comfort from her words and she is scarily good at reading between the lines. I`m glad your man can talk to you about things all i know is he has had a tumor out had treatment after the operation and thats it. It does`nt eat me up like it used to Kathy made me see that is his choice. All i want is to be there for him if he does need me sometimes early hours he txts and i always seem to be able to cheer him up so thats good. The cards and little presents he really likes should have thought of that earlier, your right he needs me to be the strong one at the moment and he does need a lot of reassurance right now that he means everything to me.

Good luck next week he will love having you with him. You sound a very strong person he is lucky to have you with him through this horrible time.

Kate x

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Hi my partner has bowel cancer we met in August he had the diagnosis in November we live 500 miles apart.

27-Jan-2010 09:41

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